I am a lunatic spinster. (Apologies to Helen Fielding.)I am in my 40s. (I can no longer remember exactly how old I am, and anyway I somehow keep getting younger.)I feel 12.I have never been married.No-one’s ever asked me.I asked someone but he choked on his beer and ran away without a word.Lunatic: madman, maniac, psychopath. See INSANITY.Spinster: main(en), old maid. See CELIBACY.Umm... not.Am I mad because I’m not married or has being single driven me insane? Hard to tell. This is what I know. I’ve been in love, but it wasn’t returned. I have dated more men than should be possible, and yet when I’ve felt a connection he didn’t and vice-versa. (If I played for the other team I’d be so set - I’ve been hit upon by so many accomplished beautiful women that I’ve considered it.) I am not unattractive; I have a tendency towards sarcasm but have a good sense of humor. I’m more sensitive than people assume. I’ve always made friends easily and I think I’m fun to be with. (I have a mannequin! I am into vinyl! I can talk sports, books and art!)So what’s the problem? Is there a problem? When a woman my age has never been married many people assume her life is sad and lonely. She is thought to be desperate, or too picky. There must be something wrong with her. I know that when I see a man my own age who is in the same boat I wonder. Sometimes it feels like LOSER is stamped on my forehead.“Oh the fear i've known that i might reap the praise of strangers and end up on my own.” Its an Indigo Girls lyric and it speaks to me. In many ways I am all my friend’s therapist. I’ve taken good care of my family -- I am a good person. I try to do the right things. But it all doesn’t seem to matter because I haven’t found that someone to recognize my special qualities.Ok, I’m quirky. I am independent. I am direct. I can take care of myself and anyone else that needs to be taken care of. I’m set in my ways a bit - live alone for a good portion of your life and you get used to things being your way.The thing is my life is quite fine. I have a great job, good friends, stuff I like to do. I am my top priority most of the time. Its all about me. I’m happy most of the time. But I would like to share my life with someone. Sometimes I am lonely. I am alone alot. And when you get to be my age, most people are partnered up. Its not fun to always be a third wheel. Or to go to a party alone. When I got into grad school - the thing I wanted more than anything in the world - I had no-one to celebrate with. Don’t even ask me about the hell that is New Year’s eve.So sometimes it would be nice to order tickets to a band and not wonder who I can get to go with me. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone ask me about my day when I get home and talk over a decision. Sometimes I’d really like to ask someone to get me a drink while they’re up. But thats not happening and I’m not holding my breath.That’s my problem people have said. I am not open to love, so it won’t come to me. I have to believe it will happen. That may be true - I’ve been rejected a lot and its hard to keep trying and there are times when I feel hopeless. I wonder if its payback for those younger years when I was much more carefree. Also, I have not always recognized love in my life. I can’t always tell when someone likes me - and have missed clues. And - unlike many women, I'd just rather be on my own than with someone so I'm not alone.But how do I deal with a life that is not what I planned? How do I accept that I won’t have a family of my own? That I will forever be seated at the children's table. That people pity me? How not to be envious of people that get to have what I don’t get to have? How not to be angry about it? I am working through these feelings, I swear.I really don’t want a pity party - don’t want to whine and feel sorry for myself. But its my birthday in a few days, and I start a thinking. Danger Will Robinson!There have always been old maids - everyone has an aunt or relative who never married. I guess I just never thought it would be me.
No comments:
Post a Comment